In pursuit of Duty, Success and Satisfaction

Part 1 Lets call this the part one of the troika that I want to discuss. The pursuit of duty among success and satisfaction. Duty that is in respect to your loved ones. Everybody loves their parents and are bound by the sense of duty that they deserve in the latter part of their lives. I honestly believe that every human is a good person and in case there are people who have done some wrong they are victim of circumstances and the environment. Nobody is inherently bad or evil. SO when I read some reports of how people wrong their loved ones, I shiver in disbelief as to how this is possible. I have nt had a first hand story in which I witness the stoy of the other side, but may be if I will, i still think my hypothesis(about all humans being good) will be right. Anyway coming back to the question of duty, I will discuss my parents here, since that is what is on my mind. My mother is a patient of severe migraine who cannot lead a near normal life because of the regular pain attacks she experiences. I have tried to research about migraine myself and how it is a chronic disease without a cure, but the helplessness is stifling. My grandmom(mom's mom) had once told me that my mom will not live long, because of the lifestyle that she has. I knew she was lying at that time but the thought stuck my mind ever since. I wondered how I am not being able to do anything to let her have a normal life. Recently I realised she also suffers from extreme depression, which is attributed to times that she spends alone, and an idle mind is indeed a devil's workshop.It got me worried as I began to think what if my grandmom was right. I still shudder at the thought that I am not spending enough time with her. I have styed away from home for more than 10 years now and most of the times the prime thoughts on my mind are about my life, relationships and goals. Missing a lot of family and the time that I am supposed to be spending with her. I sometimes pat my back by telling myself that you are a good son, you send significant part of your money back home. But I realise that is the most hollow definition of being a good son or doing your duty. Family is a precious gift which you dont get to choose and we take it for granted. Most of us do. I have been battling with the thought that it is high time that my parents stay with me. I can afford it now as against before, but my parents are settled in their city now and dont wish to change the status quo.

My mother is also a very simple person, where in she seaks her mind out. A no nonsense kind of a lady who has proclaimed her desire to be loved and nothing else. And we, as children are somehow incapable of expressing love. You might not believe that it was after so much of thought and realization that lack of expressing love is prevalent in our households, i decided to start giving a hug to my parents which i normally would nt. It was never done. It was probably considered for the other kind to give a hug. But now we do. Atleast I make it a point to hug my parents and brothers when meeting or bidding good bye. And i think it has made a difference. Atleast the token is an expression that you are wanted. I know that my other brothers might or might not do it voluntarily, because of the way we have been raised, but may be it will dawn on them some time. I know that my mom's health is not in the best of formsand i am sitting on a time bomb here. We need to change her lifestyle, keep her happy and let her do things that she likes. See her more often or may be live together.May be I have failed in my duty as a son so long but then there's still time. I say to myself.

I will now talk about my father. He is one person I am extremely proud of. I have nt said this to him but he is a person who I genuinely look upto. My mom might call him all sorts of things but he has always strived to give us that was possible for him despite the circumstances. I have never felt of a childhood in which I was lacking in anything despite knowing that we were actually lower middle class or may be poor if I could say so. The morals and ethics that he holds are somehow instilled in us as children and I give him full credit for it. Respect for elders, hardwork, satisfaction with the what you have are some of the strong life lessons I can attribute to him. But he takes his health for granted. He knows a lot of things which people of our generation think that the parents dont know but i am proud of him. There were times when I was a kid I used to be embarassed of my parents. I used to be embarrassed of my mom because I could nt get my friends home as others did. My mom could nt attend parents teachers meeting or even if she did my teachers had to speak in hindi for her. My dad spoke english but not very fluently. But I realised how shallow I was. Just because their circumstances did not allow them to talk polished english, I was not proud of them. Those were only passing thoughts and I did overcome these thoughts. I am now extremely proud of both of them as they have endured which not many can.Life teaches a lot aidst the hardships that we all face. We are seldom thankful for what we have but the way i thank my stars is by telling that there are people in much worse situations and I am lucky to be here.

I mostly am a cribber but I dont realise what is it that actually makes me feel bad about life. I should not at all be miserable given the life and the beautiful family that i have . As they say you dont realize the worth of what you have until its gone. Anyway, I hopefully will change my outlook and give more importance to what I have and bring happiness to all I am responsible for. I will not let my life revolve around work alone and take out time for my family. My duty is for them not fr any god damned organization I work for. I know that there is no dearth of jobs given the pedigree, but there is only one time for family. Better realize it. Sooner the better. Next time, with the other two pointers. And this feels good. :)

What would you rather be?

Break ups are hard. Especially when you are friend zoned. The whole time. Some people should probably limit their ambitions in check with reality. Oh wait. Reality is so much more skewed.

Anyway. I am a perpetual cribber. I want to look at life in a more positive way, when life gives you a whammy. Says rightly deserved. Life is all about contradictory lessons. Sometimes you are taught to persevere. Keep trying. Don’t give up. On the other hand you are told don’t be second rung. If you are not the first choice. Give up. Move on. Look at better and brighter options.

Life, you so damn confusing. Most of the confusion in life is primarily because of choices. If you are said from childhood, come what may, you have to do this, probably there will lesser discontent because you never knew what another option would feel like. You never invested hours contemplating the pros or cons and still not arriving at a conclusion. Its like this. Even when you make a choice, you have times when you think what if I had taken the other road. What if, that would ve worked better. True, may be. But I can speak only for myself. And I have a bad repertoire of being at the receiving end. I ve not really felt what it is like to be in the driving seat in a relationship. The ball has never been in my court.

And I think I have a reason for that as well. I try too hard. I try too hard to find something. And now I realise, the harder you try to find something, the lesser the chances of you finding it. And as I said, confusing teachings of life says persevere. But fuck, do not. I love the word serendipity. It is one of my favorite words. It has a magical description to it. You can imagine what serendipity would be like. Oh. The wonderful chance. People, things and relationships discovered this way would have such a lucky touch to it. But I have nt felt it. May be that’s the positive. I still like the word.

So coming back to the question. I remember reading an article that said about how it is important to choose a person who reciprocates your feelings . Persevere if it is a 'Fuck, Yes!' from her. And if not, whats the point in being compared your whole life and fail still. You might be ready to take on the world for her, but she is still cribbing, telling oh, the other one would vee done. Better.

So yes lady. I do not want to be that other soul. Thanks for helping me. And thanks for all. I wish many things, one of whom was you, but not really. So, thanks but no thanks. I ll cry a little, But I will move on. I will move on.!

What is Love? (Bollywood Style)

What is Love?

Idea of love is varied. But mostly, the Indian concept of love is very ‘Bollywoodiya’. And I would take the liberty of stating that Bollywood has played with the minds of many an Indian youth, adolescent and adult alike.

As much as one would deny, an average Indian is very influenced by the Indian cinematic experience called Bollywood. The moment you watch a movie, you want to relate the characters to you, your loved ones, and your life. Any blur of similarity seems striking. Parallels are drawn. The central character is considered to be oneself. Ah! How gullible.

So you would argue, why is it wrong? What is the harm if extrapolations are made? Why would it be the cause of dismay? I will tell you why. We still live in a generation where relationships matter. I would again make the gumption of stating that most guys of my generation still yearn for that elusive relationship. In the pursuit of this we consider the little affection shown from a woman to be true love. Silly, but true. We make our own situations. We dream of our own possibilities. We make a life out of the moment. Add Bollywood to this. We base our life on that story of the movie. We think that this is how our life together with this woman would probably turn out to be. We base our desires on the themes shown.

Just as one is busy making life out of this moment, the other person is probably picturing this with someone else in mind. Same story, different people. You play the song. You close your eyes. You are lost in the imagination of which you have an inkling that it is too good to be true. You persist. You don’t stop yourself from imagining. Sweet. Only to realize how miserable this has made you in the end.

We all are built to fail. We all are built to fade. We all are built to die someday. But we persist. Hoping that, you know, one day its going to be worth it. That one day, all the suffering would come out good. Someone said what good can possibly come if you don’t even try. True, makes sense. In the end, all that will remain is the memories. Good or bad, but ones that can be recalled and made stories out of. So thanks Bollywood. You are not that bad after all. You do feed on voyeuristic tendencies of ours. But be good. May be its not such a bad deal after all :)

The loss of Love

So, you’ve never had a girlfriend.

A friend’s friend recently asked me if I was single. To which I said yes. He then proceeded to ask me if I ve never had a girlfriend, which is true. Just as I heard the question, I thought what would be the right thing to say. To satisfy my pride and tell him that I ve never met the right girl, or to blatantly lie or to acknowledge that cupid has never been kind to me.

The question set me thinking as to why we are obsessed with relationships in today’s world. Economics says that where the demand meets the supply, price fixation takes place. In simple terms, a minimum basic requirement to get into a relationship is the price. So when a person considers himself to possess the basic requirements i.e, the price we quote here, he should be sellable on the market. i.e. find a partner. It is when this does not happen that dissatisfaction creeps in. Add to it the hoopla around how one night stands are no big deal, how live-in becoming popular in today’s world and the precious time which seems to pass, establishing the fact that your days are numbered before your days of youth are over. There are three reasons as I see why people want to get into relationships.

Some want love. Find that one person who can make them feel special, feel inflated and satisfy their ego by repeatedly mentioning that you are worth living for.

Others want to fulfill their biological requirements. Maslow says sex is one the most primitive requirements of man and lack of it can do more harm than good. Although humans are capable of satisfying their desires without a partner, yet, the inquisitiveness about the other sex makes people do crazy things far from imagination.

Then there are the third lot. The ones who live for others. Ones who want to boast to others how they have had a satisfying sex life. How they ve slept with people not countable by the number of fingers on their hands. How they are so irresistible that they can have anyone.

It is also possible that people go through all three reasons in different stages of their life. So why would one not be able to get into a relationship despite possessing the threshold ‘price’ here.

There is the hits and misses theory, which says unless you try or keep hitting, there is bleak chance to strike a bull’s eye. So, no attempt to woo someone means no prize.

Then there is also the theory of serendipity. You need to be at the right place at the right time for a prize. You cant get it right with everybody. You just cant have them all.

All said and done, relationships are more a part of the growth process. Just as a child needs to walk in order to run, he needs to have all these varied experiences in order to learn and evolve into a mature human. Yes, you will not get them all, you might not get any, but your learning is going to be true and make you a distinct individual based on your experiences. No wonder not all individuals are the same.

Lets grow and make a fool of ourselves. Aye!

What If?

Philosophy seems to be taking a toll on me. Last class Professor asked us to take up an interesting exercise. We were asked to list down questions that complete 'What if'. He asked us to let our imagination run wild. I tried my hand and here is my list:
What If
1. I knew the real purpose of life?
2. We all got what we wanted?
3. Money did not matter?
4. Religion was not given so much importance in the world?
5. Nuclear bombs were actually used again?
6. We are not alone in this universe?
7. There was no pain?
8. The was indeed god?
9. I possessed all knowledge?
10. Magic was real?
Mind you this is the order of questions on my mind. Kind of a priority list of the first few things that came up. Lets me know what kind of person I am. And what thoughts dominate my mind. Try it. I am sure it will help you.

Man-o-Pause

Ok.. So India is progressing.. We are.. We have people who are openly displaying dissent. There are public parades of Public Display of Affection. May be that is progress. Progress of minds. The liberty to say ‘please mind your own business’. ‘Shut the fuck up’. And that ‘I don’t care’. I am an MBA. I am taught to rely only on metrics to judge a parameter. Not random impressions. Or conclusions.

Hmmm. So why am I writing this. I am writing this to argue whether we are actually progressing. I recently witnessed the session of a moderately popular stand up comedian. And yes he was trying to be funny. And yes he was a guy. And yes, he made fun of how a random guy in India is. Deprived. Unromantic. Horny. Nothing unreal about it. The only reason we laughed was because we resonated with what he said. It seemed like it was our story. And I realized we all love it when we see ourselves, or may be want to see ourselves in the story being told. Be it movies. Be it any other depiction.

I have no issues in poking fun at my own self. But what about the other sex? Have we reached a stage where Indian women can actually make fun of their true selves and not be uncomfortable with it? Are they ready to discuss their fantasies, fears and favors out in the open? The scene that we witnessed today was that all the guys burst out in laughter the moment there was a random innuendo of how sad it was not to get a girl and that how we satisfy ourselves. And its true. But we take pride in it. So it set me wondering why are nt we comfortable with women doing the same. Who is it that prevents it from happening. Are the women themselves insecure? Or is it that the chauvinistic men would not allow this?

As I see there is a transition of generation that happens every 10-15 years. The previous generation looks at the subsequent generation with contempt. There is also only a certain degree of freedom that one shares with the other. Even I did flinch at some of the sexual innuendos wondering “are the senior folks uncomfortable?” But I would probably want progress to be ascertained when both the sexes are free in discussing any random thing under the sun without fear. Humor is to be taken in good stead after all. Although the female side of story still remains a mystery to most Indian men. I am sure that it is still difficult to say how the womenfolk enjoy their humor. How or what they find sexy. How wild are their fantasies. All is a mystery.

It might be that I am writing this because I want the mystery unraveled. I am writing this may be because the hypothesis of progress was taken a length too far. May be, may be not. But it would be great to see that even women are good sport. It would nt be blasphemy for women to actually make fun of themselves. But I doubt this thing will happen. After all some things are better left to imagination. May be.

A what..? Hug??

What is in a hug? I did dare to ask myself. It seemed rather obnoxious to me. Even while I was an adolescent, we were brought up in a paternalistic culture. While respect to elders was of utmost importance, evidence of affection was still not appreciated. It was natural that I never hugged my mother, brother , leave alone my father. I was among the ones who would rather shove off my brother at the slightest hint of depicting an outburst of affection. What was the need? After all, we loved each other and it should have been understood without having to say it.

Unfortunately it did nt. I remember an incident when my mom had complained, rather cried for not giving her enough time, for not telling her the three magical words “I love you” and for not giving her a plain hug when it mattered, while one of our cousins were the ones who made their affection to their mothers known to the society. I dismissed it as a routine pang of emotion of the womenfolk. It seemed silly as to how trivial a thing could impact the relationship as strong as mother-son. I was wrong.

Let me iterate a harsh truth to you all. We live in a world where we can muster sweet nothings over and over again, for hours together and umpteen times a day to our better halves, candy floss or whatever sobriquet you wish to give to the designated person but we can not last a minute of conversation with our dads. I wondered if I was the only one who was out of topics when I spoke to my dad over the phone but soon I realized that most of my generation adults face the same plight.

I have lived 25 precious years of my life. My dad is now 50+. We will live in this world for many more years to come but separated by distance and the imaginary wall of self evident love. I shudder at the fact that when the day of separation arrives, I still would not have gathered the courage to have given him a long and armful of hug and told him how much he matters to me, told him that though we have nt spoken much, I wish to know how his childhood had been, who his first love was and what he wanted to be in life.

Even now I can gather the courage to tell you this only on paper for I fear how you would react, for if you would think that your son was less of man for wanting to give you a hug. But beneath those sunken eyes, behind that silent speech and beyond those deep thoughts, I am sure even you want to give me a hug. And trust me, it helps, it helps ease the pain, it helps transcend the barriers. All it takes is one tight hug dad. One tight hug.